Chapter 1: Part Four

Nothing helped me feel better. So I go through the motions. I go to half of my classes, the rest of the time I am in bed. Watching movies we had watched together. Trying to avoid listening to any music, because it all reminded me of her.

Anything I saw reminded me of her.

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I sent her flowers, as I had so many times before. They we're for our one-year anniversary, but we had already broken up. I made up some lame excuse that I had bought them before we ended it and just forgot to cancel them, but that was a lie. I wanted her to remember how I treated her. Like there was no one else in the world who could make me feel the way she did. I wanted her to remember what she was missing. I was a hopeless romantic with all the right moves.

Nothing came of it though. No response, no anything.

She was truly gone.

So on the way to a class the next day I did the only thing I knew to do in a situation as helpless as this.

I prayed.

I prayed for someone to come into my life and give me some sort of direction. I am praying this prayer as I cross one of the busier streets on campus. I realize a car is coming and have to hustle. That hustle awkwardly lands me walking right beside girl on the other side of the street. She simply says hi and we get to talking. As we are walking into the same building she invites me to a gathering that is going on that evening called Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ).

It was an answer to prayer in my book and I couldn't believe how God just made that happen.

Still struggling, still heart broken, but looking for anything to hold onto, I go.

This is where I plant myself for the next year of college.

I made friends who loved Jesus. I made friends who encouraged me. I made up a story, making Sara a man and not adding in that we had had sex, to explain why I was down sometimes. They helped me through the best way they could without knowing the real story.

Even with all of this greatness March came and I was doing well. Or at least I thought I was. I was going to class a bit more and attempting to do more work. Everything seemed good.

Then, for the first time since we had broken up, our song came on the radio.

I lost it. Everything I had truly been bottling up came pouring out.

I still had her number for some stupid reason, not that it would have mattered because her number was memorized. So I called.

I left a message because of course she did not pick up. I left a message and a song for her to listen to, as I had done so many times before. Like it was natural. Like it was what I considered normal.

I wrote her a letter saying how much I missed her. Not the physical but the emotional, I didn't want to scare her off. I never sent that letter. I didn't want to go through the rejection again.

I went about my business and continued going to most classes. There was one class that semester I didn't go to besides the first class. That was all. I stopped caring. Nothing else mattered. Even with my new friends and support system, not a day went by when I did not think about her.

I never heard back from that phone call.

I called a couple of more times between then and summer, to no avail.

Then summer came, which meant she was coming home. I tried with all my might to hold out as long as I could to accidently run into her at her job. It turns out as long as I could was only a day.

It was the first time I had seen her in nearly four months. I had to see her. Nothing happened. I just couldn't bear knowing we we're in the same town and she was two miles down the road.

Then Vacation Bible School came. I knew she couldn't avoid me there. Over the week I pleaded with her. Just to let us at least be friends. I told her that was the part of the relationship I missed the most.

To be fair that was one hundred percent true, it just so happened that in a very close second was the fact that I missed her body and wanted to take her every time I laid eyes on her.

Well I convinced her. We started talking again off and on throughout the summer. Nothing physical happened, just two old friends catching up for the most part. I did accidently call her baby once and freaked her out. That was not fun.

The end of the summer came and we we're doing fine. I went over to her house, I can't honestly remember why, I just remember that I was there. We we're sitting on the couch with her family watching a movie on Netflix. Harmless.

Nothing was ever harmless when it came to us.

My hand slid over to her, hers just happened to slip towards mine. Our fingers inter locked. Nothing bad was happening, but with us that was all it took. Next thing I know a blanket is on top of us and our hands we're everywhere they shouldn't have been. I can't tell you what movie was on, but I can tell you perfectly what her eyes looked like and the look she gave me.

That look that I had longed to see for eight agonizingly dry months.

For however fleeting a moment I had her back. I had my Sara back.

We went to the other room connecting. I kissed her. She resisted at first but finally caved, like we always did. We went upstairs.

I didn't even shut the door. I knew what I wanted and I wanted it right then. I wanted to be on top of her, kissing her body again. So I did.

Every couple is allowed a break up sex moment, right? Well ours just came eight months late.

We went back downstairs and she politely asked if I would leave. I did, out of respect for her and completely understanding that what we had just done technically constituted her cheating on that guy she was seeing.

I left with a smile though. We talked, I understood she was with him and that wasnt going to change. I was okay with that and respected her. It was a kind of closure, or so I thought.

Our bodies just had to say goodbye. So they did. And we we're good.

I didn't even kiss her goodbye. I just left. That was it. She was gone again, but somehow that was okay this time.

I mean of course it hurt, but not like it had before.

I would miss her, but not as much.

I would still be angry, but not as much.

I would still long for her touch, but not as much.

It was okay.

And that's how it truly ended.

Sara was gone For good.

This closes the chapter on her, but I would never close her out completely. There is a part of me that will always be hers.

She is engaged now, to that very same guy that she left me for in January of 2011. I really do wish her all the best and hope that she is happy.

Ill always love her. She was my first love. You never loose that person. Mine just happens to be a girl. Oh well. Whats life without a little bit of a twist?

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Posted in Transportation/Automotive Post Date 03/24/2021


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